i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Randomize
