I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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