Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
