I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
nutella sex= disaster
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
