Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
