Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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