i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
