Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
