I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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