I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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