The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
