It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
