anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
