the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
