This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
