I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
