I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
