Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
