Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
