I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
