Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
