Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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