new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you had me at cake vodka
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
