At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
