my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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