His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I will be naked everywhere
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
