i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
