Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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