I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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