Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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