So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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