I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
