My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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