she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Still dying that you shit outside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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