In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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