my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
