I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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