Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
