apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
