I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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