I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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