no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
