just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
