2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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