I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
