he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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