the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
