A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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