i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
