I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
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passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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