you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
