sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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