i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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