I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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