You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
