When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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